If Going To The Gynecologist Were Honest

If Going To The Gynecologist Were Honest

(whip smacking) (creaking)
(knocking)
– Hi.
The doctor will be in with you shortly.
Um, well it could be five minutes,
it could be 20 minutes, I'm really just guessing.
– Well thank you for moving me from that larger waiting room
into this smaller one.
And for putting me
in this thin, sheet-like, piece of material.
– I'm done making small talk right now,
so the doctor will be in whenever she feels like it.
– Okay I'll be sitting here
thinking about every single person I've slept with
that I regret.
(knocking)
– Hi!
Giving the courtesy knock so I don't walk in on you naked.
Even though I'm about to look at your vagina.
– And I'm pretending to look natural
even though my bare ass is touching the table below me.
Now I'm thinking about how many other peoples'
butts have touched this table.
– Let's make small talk.
How have you been?
– Obviously not wonderful
or else I wouldn't be sitting here
sweating through this robe.
But in the interest of following social cues,
I'll say good.
– Excellent.
So, tell me why you're here.
– I have something down there
that could be an ingrown hair, or it could be an STI,
so I'm really anxious for you to look at my vagina today.
– Gotcha.
Have you been having a lot of unprotected sex?
– I wouldn't say a lot.
But I'm not perfect
and the public school sex education system
completely failed me.
– I'm trying to comfort you in a non-judgmental way.

Let's take a look and see what's going on.
– Perfect I shaved my entire vagina for this.
– (sighs) Oh well you weren't kidding.
– Yep, I've prepared for this appointment
more than I do for most first dates.
– I'm going to ask you about your mother now
because she's also my patient
and I'm realizing your vaginas are very similar.
– She's great,
and I'm super uncomfortable talking about my mother
with my legs wide open.
– I'm going to put this freezing cold speculum
inside you now and crank open your vagina.
It's going to be really uncomfortable.
– Okay I'm going to look at the ceiling
so I don't make eye contact with you while you're inside me.
Uh, you're right, that is very cold.
– Well everything looks normal right now which is great,
because you don't sound super sexually responsible.
– I am really afraid I'm going to queef right now.
– And good news!
It's just an ingrown hair.
But I'm going to do a full check while I'm down here
because I know you avoid the gynecologist office.
– (sighs) Great.
I really didn't want to tell my sexual partner
that I had an STD.
I mean we haven't even defined the relationship yet
and I still wake up early in the morning to brush my teeth.
– That sounds unhealthy.
– Most of my relationships are.
– So now I'm going to stick my hand inside your body
and feel your ovaries.
– Ooh, this is exactly what I imagine
getting probed by an alien feels like.
– Well we're all set.
– It was awkward and uncomfortable to see you.
Thanks for looking at my vagina.
– No problem, have a great rest of your day.
And try to pretend I didn't just spend the last 15 minutes
digging around inside of your body.
– I won't be able to do that, bye.
(mariachi music)
(whip smacking) (creaking)


January 31, 2017

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